The Day I Stopped Being Everyone's Hero and Started Being My Own
How learning to say "no" to others became the biggest "yes" to myself
I Used to Vomit Before Family Dinners
Picture this: A 20-something guy throwing up in his bathroom because he has to spend Christmas with his family. Not because they're terrible people. Not because of some family drama. But because the mere thought of "having to hold it together" almost broke me, before it even started.
That was me.
I was the textbook "Nice Guy" - the one who said yes to everything, apologized for existing, and treated other people's comfort like it was more important than my own survival.
But here's what nobody tells you about being everyone's favorite person: You become nobody's - including your own.
Not very surprisingly, at work, I got used. People used my "kindness" for their good. "Can you do this?", "Can you that?"
I got pushed around, put into positions I did not want to be in.
Not anymore!
The Moment Everything Changed
I was sitting in my apartment during COVID lockdown (which, honestly, felt like a blessing at first - finally, a world that matched my comfort zone). But when restrictions lifted, something terrifying happened: Everyone expected me to go back to "normal."
The problem? My "normal" was making me sick. Literally.
I'd thrown up before:
Tattoo appointments (multiple times - we had to stop sessions because I couldn't handle it)
Birthday dinners with my own family
Simple doctor visits I'd avoided for years
Movie nights with friends
I even faked an injury once to escape my own birthday celebration. My own birthday.
That's when Jim Carey's words hit me like a truck: "Depression is deep rest - your mind taking a break from the person you're pretending to be."
I wasn't depressed because life was hard. I was exhausted from not being myself. From not doing, what I actually wanted to do.
I read the Book "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Dr. Ronald Glover and started putting myself first.
My employer wanted me in another position - I was tired of it and said NO. A week later, I was let go.
Losing my job was one of my biggest fears. Mostly because I knew this means doing interviews, a new environment and uncertainty. But I was not happy there anymore anyway.
Turns out, It was not nearly as bad as I thought. I actually felt good for standing my ground. In my new job, I do not care about pleasing others, I do what I think is best and voice my opinion.
The Brutal Truth About People-Pleasing
Here's what I learned the hard way: A "no" is always a "yes" to something else.
When you say no to things that drain you, you're saying yes to things that fuel you. But I was so busy managing everyone else's feelings that I forgot I had my own.
The twisted logic of the Nice Guy brain goes like this:
"If I say no, I'll hurt their feelings"
"If I hurt their feelings, they won't like me"
"If they don't like me, I'm worthless"
But here's the plot twist: When you're not yourself, you hurt feelings anyway - yours.
And your feelings? They're the only ones you actually have control over.
Think about it: You can say the same thing to 2 people and get completely different reactions.
The problem isn't how others might think about you - it's how YOU think about you.
My Parents and Friends Didn't Disown Me (Shocking, I Know)
The first time I told my parents and friends "no" to something, I was sure it would destroy our relationship. I'd spent years afraid to disappoint them, swallowing my opinions like bitter pills.
But when I finally started being honest about what I wanted (and what I didn't), something unexpected happened:
Our relationship got better.
Turns out, people prefer the real you over the performance you. Even when the real you occasionally disappoints them.
People feel drawn to you, If you are being authentic. Steve Jobs was a pain in the ass, yet, he amassed a huge following. Almost cult like.
The Part Nobody Talks About: When Everything Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
Here's what the self-help books don't tell you: The first six months of setting boundaries suck.
Month 1-2: The Shock Wave People who were used to my automatic "yes" suddenly got "let me think about it." Some got angry. Others guilt-tripped me.
Month 3-4: The Identity Crisis Who was I if not the guy who helped everyone? I felt selfish, mean, wrong. I said no to my friend's dinner invitation and spent the night convinced I was a terrible person. (Spoiler: I wasn't. I was just tired and needed rest.)
Month 5-6: The Backslides I'd have good boundary days followed by people-pleasing relapses. I'd say yes to something I didn't want to do, then feel angry at myself and the other person. This is normal. You're rewiring decades of programming.
The Turning Point Around month 7, something shifted. People stopped asking me for things they knew I'd say no to. My friends and family adapted. The energy vampires found new targets. And I realized: The people who truly cared about me respected my boundaries. The ones who didn't... well, that told me everything I needed to know.
The Most Selfish Thing You Can Do (That Actually Helps Everyone)
"Put yourself first" sounds selfish, doesn't it?
But here's what I discovered: The most generous thing you can do is take care of yourself.
When you're not constantly drained from saying yes to everything, you have actual energy for the things (and people) that matter. When you're not resentful from suppressing your needs, you can show up authentically in your relationships.
Stop pretending you are happy, and start actually doing things that make you happy.
Doing something because we feel like we have to, is not kindness. Doing something because we want to, is.
Learn to say NO. People around you will feel empowered to do the same. You kids will learn that saying no is ok. People will not only start to respect you boundaries, but also yourself.
If you answer is always yes, it holds no meaning. Scarcity is what makes it valuable.
If You Don't Save Yourself, Nobody Will
"If you are not willing to put yourself first, nobody will!"
This isn't cruel - it's reality. Nobody else is responsible for your happiness, your boundaries, or your life choices. That's terrifying and liberating in equal measure.
Your situation won't change unless you do. Your anxiety won't improve until you stop feeding it with avoidance. Your relationships won't get better until you show up as yourself instead of who you think they want.
The Uncomfortable Truth About Growth
When people say "stay as you are," I now hear it as almost an insult. Because staying the same when you're miserable isn't kindness - it's cowardice.
Growth hurts.
Setting boundaries disappoints people. Being authentic sometimes makes others uncomfortable.
But you know what hurts more? Spending your entire life as a stranger to yourself.
Show up for yourself.
It will feel uncomfortable. It will feel strange. It will feel wrong. And you will feel uncertainty. That’s because growth requires loss—a loss of your old values, your old behaviors, your old loves, your old identity.
But It will get easier over time. Just like a muscle, you have to train it.
"But What If...?" Every Fear I Had (And Why Most Were Wrong)
"What if I become selfish and mean?" Here's the difference: Selfish people take without giving. Mean people hurt others intentionally. Setting boundaries is neither. It's saying "I matter too." If that makes you selfish, then half the population is selfish – and they're the happy half.
"What if everyone leaves me?" Some will. I lost a few friendships when I stopped being the guy who dropped everything for everyone. But here's what I gained: deeper connections with people who actually liked me (not just my usefulness), more energy for the relationships that mattered, and self-respect.
The math works out: Better to have 5 real friends than 20 fair-weather users.
"What if I'm wrong and I really should put others first?" I spent years thinking this was virtue. Then I realized: When you're constantly drained, resentful, and anxious, how much are you really giving anyone? The best version of you – rested, boundaried, authentic – has so much more to offer than the exhausted, people-pleasing version.
"This sounds easy but feels impossible." It IS hard. I'm not going to lie and say it's a simple mindset shift. You're changing a lifetime of conditioning. Some days you'll nail it. Some days you'll revert to old patterns. That's not failure – that's being human.
The question isn't "Is this hard?" It's "Is staying the same harder?"
"What if they really need my help?" Here's a reality check I learned: Most of the time, people don't actually need your help – they want your convenience. And the times they truly do need help? You'll be more able to give it when you're not burned out from saying yes to everything else.
Your Permission Slip
You don't need anyone's permission to:
Say no without explanation
Disappoint people who expect you to set yourself on fire to keep them warm
Choose your mental health over their comfort
Be "selfish" enough to pursue your own happiness
The people who matter will understand. The people who don't understand don't matter.
But YOU matter.
May Depression and Anxiety always made me feel like I had no control over myself and my life. Truth is, I gave it away.
Putting yourself first means you control your decisions, and your decision control your life.
Take back that control.
The Price of Being Yourself
Yes, being authentic might cost you some relationships. Some people preferred the version of you that never said no, never had needs, never caused waves.
Let them go.
The people who get angry about your boundaries were benefiting from you not having any.
Those are not your friends. The people that truly care about you, do not want you to feel bad.
Being alone and authentic beats being surrounded and fake every single time.
Because here's the ultimate truth: You are the most important person in your life. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a survival way. You're the only person guaranteed to be with you from birth to death.
Treat that relationship accordingly.
Setting boundaries is you path to living the life YOU want.
Learn to say no. If they ask why, just tell them because you don not want to. That is it! That is all the reason you need, all they need to know.
You are the most important person in your life. Start acting like it.